I like music so... something just happened, in process... Something…
FFFFFOOOOOOOOOOkin amazing... !!!
I seted up gear some days ago .. playd a bit...
sound very quiet and i was feeling tired ... end of the day... was late.
so not much pleasent sounds came up.
but today i just played a bit and... something happened ..
but some background first
I had tryed self-expression before lately... in one specific oportunity as music
some weeks ago... at a friends house...
there the awareness within processe... was more on ... 2 specific points
1. i assumed ... i must have no though ... and melodys come out naturaly ( trancendently) and so let me alow to visit this friend his new gear, know a bit more of it and ...and allwing to glinpse that self expression as jamming a bit... ( i hadnt played the piano for years then)
( hey... carefull lol i am not that talented... i have the melody but not the eye-hand movement coordination ability to do it perfectly... i did jam 10 years ago... producing +- 11 tracks, and always used the computer to fix the arranjements... arranje them as fixing them literaly.. no way i could do live performance, no skill on fingers for that... yet ... lol)
2nd. ... my friends pride... trying mno to manifest it as the oposite side of the polaroity... as i saw him trying to things in music because he enys me for what i did... hurts his pride... some dark-and-not-admited background we had with this guy... (mindly speaking) we fought .. mentaly not physicaly... lol ... anyway continuaing
so... i was there.... at those times pretty confidant on what was stoping the mind and not allowing much thoughts and feelings...
meeting that guy, once again, was for centain a self-test... as he is/was/is so fokin EGO-centric...
so i was on the piano and he was changing the sounds browsing the sound program banks of the gear... and finally we setted up one program ( composed sound) in the synth that really pumped my feeling in the music... so i, in one small moment... confidant with no thought... yet ... inatively ignited by the specific sound timbre and frequancy resonance... started playing some cool notes chords... well defined... and exuberantly loud... so for one instant i saw a glinpse of self expression (as i defined it... lol) but .........
inevitably... my friend noticed it and
imediatly huge reactions within in ignated too... (i supose). Because... he got up ... stiff, harsh mean looking. as wanting to look strong... but... certainly looking hugely nervous... or ... hurt pride... or hiding shamed... (lot like gabriel looks sometimes... same exact face expression..lol ...) in rushing to the windows to close them... suposely in shame and worry of what neighboors might think when earing such as lets say... simphonic ... determinded ... impressive exuberant manifestaion "performance" as music ..comming out of his house... and i cares that no one knows him by that... its unsual lol so....
well i realised it like that... because... its what i had too... same kind of reactions when my expression is exuberant... the surrounding world... desestabalizes lol deeeep in foundation...lolllll (found-damn-nation) and built in insecurity as of fearing the reactions of other when expressing in such a free exuberant format (such expression...) ... settles in ... as other people are not used to see us/me as it, so when they see ... they attack as humiliation of ignoring in no consideration... and their pride is hurt as not facing presenciating something that was not at any way expected by them...
(weee extensive SF to go ..whowoooo! what a ride! <---- coolness fooleness hihihihi) i think... also the feeling and impression the sound made, could certainly also ignited that fear of unknown in him... inact natural shyness since what was emited there in even-if tiny moment... was not at all on expected experience... and the "sound frequencys have unknown effects" on peoples minds (llol) as "you could guess..." i have all those above too... and realising it all that in one momente ... completly broke me... and anxiety rose within me... i literaly felt like i was falling braking apart in as roting and then the pain of the anxiety hit me... i stoped and focused on breathing and contineud playing... "nothing!" well... in certain way... i predicted that something would happen. becaue i allowed me to go into the "mouth of the wolf" to see clearly what i had to forgive /process ... but even now .. typing this seem that theres even more specific forgivenes to do... lol . it hurts!!!! ouch!! but continuing... back to the rest of the story ... what really placed me here. typing all this... was my recent experience in music... just a few minutes ago.. playing in my "piano".... my directive principal when allwing me to go into play music in piano.. is presently, to do it in self expression so ... no thoughts... just expression... either amazing or not... usualy it is... when no thoughts are here... but presently i regarded more ... the mechanical... physical aspect of it... i usualy have not very flexible finger movements and it really hard to hit the keys correctly ...at the same time that what i feel is flowing on melodic changes and harmonies... as what we call "feeling" (musical) it requires training for shure... but ... i am here is charing the trancendance i experienced in that... is like... even from one seccond to another... if mind is or not reacting and compounding past feelings and experiences... .... it is the diference between... i playing one arranjement that i took by ear from one old song.. as if, i were doint it for the first time... all crippled and missing the notes/keys... and as-if, i were a complete master super confortable and confidant in placing my fingers on they keys in precise timming and correct note ... correspondly. and i didt it ... so so so defined... "for one moment" i just played so well... some parts of that arranjement... as i never saw me confident doing it before... and all that was required to do it... since i already had it all memorysed .... was to be aware of me here as looking at the keyboard and keys... just realising it presence... nothing more... and allowing the fingers to to correct key in precise timming... and the harmonies and rythm just expressedd amaaaaaaaazingly "fidel" to original lol. so... the first experience i described... is getting a tap on what is me.... as experiencing me as-no-thoughts in-one-moment, which was amaxing... and this second experinc... e was expressing in that same impressive way... as focusing in the awareness-of-HERE... pure-hereness ... As mind... you can call it... it was a confirmation of "what is" (among other things) self-expressing with thought and as awareness of self here .... stoping the mind... so it is not dumbness or dullness or boredong... it is beauty of sound and amazing expression. maybe soon i am able to add to that, all-in-one-monent, the aplication as the breath, and be able to keep it flowing, not only during one single moment... (few seconds), but out far as whole song or a complete hour playing the piano!! lol
))thats not really hoping... its what i will accept and allow within me expressing .... to happen (exist) as music... me expressing .. i am music ..in-the-moment as me... with no thoughts feelings and emotions of mind as desires and worrys and wanting of playing well
