SELF-WORTH (CONNECTED TO UNION - UNITEDNESS)

SELF-WORTH (CONNECTED TO UNION - UNITEDNESS)
(Written by Nuno Ricardo in 22 January 2010)

This is a big problem I have. Big problem because it is making me separated from the world (around me), and is something “that I have” because it is me allowing it. It leaves me in a sensation of being always in friction with something or someone. And then I develop the desire to be “united”, to be equal, which is a “friction” by itself.

Is that the cause of it? Friction? It’s is memories of past frictions, that’s for sure. Something that I have done and something that I haven’t done. Amazing. – Judgments about my past - This world as specificities and accordingly my parents tried to make me act according to them. They made the best they can do to make me have the same stimulation points. Those stimulations are fear of death, fear of hunger, fear of pain. I guess I don’t want those fears, because what I did was exactly opposite to what they always wanted/told me to do.

Well. Ok, then. Why would I do such an atrocity? Such a abuse – de-consideration – and abdication of responsibility?

What I know is that I grew with no particular interests or drives. Any “drive” to do something from my own initiative was always gauged and limited by my parents. That was how I felt “it”. As long as I wouldn’t ‘act’ according to the picture they have created in their mind (mind-set), they would do what they can to repress me and direct me to do what they thought I should do. Fortunaly for them, my nature is not of violence and aggressiveness. Pure consciousness will have its way, I guess of making ‘just-ice’. Seems that I believe in love and affection as a building block of participation in and as ‘living’. Affection being free though, not something forced. But, discussion about energy will be something to do later.

My live sums up to suppression. “Play with other kids” – Not allowed – It is “the street” and “playing in the street” that didn’t fit the ‘mind-set’ my father had for me. As any other parent that lived a fucked up experience in this world when they were young, from that, they also adopted that- “Give to my kids what I never got from my parents”- and interestingly enough, starting already in the late teenage, years I started to think the same – “If I ever have kids, I will never do to my kinds what my parents did to me.” – Right! What is making this strange shit happen then? The world around changes and the mentalities keep the same, merely fitting current world specificities. What is in common then in this “realities”? What existed back then when my grandparents raised my parents, that is still existing now while my parents “try to raise me”? – The need to survive I guess. – The fear of having poor conditions to live. – The Fear of what others might think (if we don’t act in the way we think others think we should.) – All is the same shit. Protecting the mind-set that we prepared for the experience of having kids. I guess I would do the same if knew what they knew. The point that was missed was the expression. ‘That’ moment where I started to reveal needs/wants/desires that didn’t fit the ‘mind-set’ I was subjected to, I was aggressively repressed and conditioned and punished. Well I took countless beatings yes and had my ears pulled a lot. Not a very pleasant experience.

Now. Is all this to blame my parents? To stay stuck in the past and define myself by this past?

What have I at hands to deal with then? Well. First, the resentment. It is the feelings directly connected with the memories of the past events. Unknowingly, those feelings mould the way I express myself. Not a pleasant sight. It makes me reactive and thus vulnerable to whatever other beings randomly might say or do. I easily allow me to be disturbed by whatever others beings do. Even their presence – Amazing!! – makes me uncomfortable. When I was younger the feeling was much clearer but as the time gone by, that feeling got compressed and compounded with the needs/wants/desires that meanwhile emerged as the need to create myself as “A Personality”.

Let’s say; When I was abused, and I developed fear and guilt of doing the slightest movement in expressing myself on my own initiative. This became the essence of me. I allowed myself to become this. As a child I had nothing more to hold on. I never saw other than that. I never knew better so I as the “need to be someone” emerged, lol… I became this. I searched a lot for it because I didn’t even saw what was happening to me. I started to see knowledge as trustworthy as I searched to understand the basics of why I was so limited and others weren’t. But this journey was so intense that eventually I used that experience to define as someone “great” ebcasue of having achieved that knowelege about myself. I became ”Someone knowledgeable” when seeing what I have discovered by my own, and how I did it by myself. Funny that my father does exactly the same once again. Another point where I clone my father. He always saw himself as a institution of reason and righteousness. It is the fucking EGO emerging no mater the status quo. No matter if there is common sense or not. The EGO does not care about what one uses to define oneself. As long it is comprehensible in-formation, which we can use to think that “others might understand too”, It creates a ‘mind-set’ where we become valid to do and think whatever we want (whatever we thought before). Never caring or realizing the abuses or consequences it might have on the world around us and on us individually.

This is all rather comprehensible. So, to realize all that it is the easy part. What is not so easy to see the ways that those past events of my youth, sculpt what I do and how I act towards ‘things’/events around me. How easily I separate myself from the events I face in during my days – even in the participation in desteni process - by perceiving what is happening and judging what is presented to me from my world.

Easily see my world in separation, or when it does not happen, I think that I have some limit about it. I think that what happens to me as a mirror of who I am accepting myself to be and become, actually IS who I really am. “Which is fucked up shit”… lol. Constant traps that I don’t know if are traps of the matrix, or me assisting me. Most times, I spend a lot of time analizing the events around me, trying to see if they are common sense as examples or mirrors of deception. Within this my own self will is still non existent.

If I try to creat a mind-set where I see all the information about what I do, that is depending on what exists in me as memories, well maybe that it is the consequence already so I would only be recreating those situations by perceiving and maybe judging them, but the perception is enough to create disturbance (resonance). What I can do is go progressively through all the memories that come up and slowly forgive me as my parents for continuing allowing the feelings and reactions in me. I know that the thoughts feelings and emotions that come up are not of ‘pure life’ as me expressing me here in the moment, but instead, hidden shit that I lived in the past and that I am unknowingly bringing here and living according to it again in the new situation that is being presented in the ‘now’ as the moment “Here”. Any reaction as feeling within situation of conflict, and within the context that is mainly situations where I participate in conflict, where I am directly involved in reaction to what other beings – whatever who they are – do speak or express. It can be desires suppressed. Desires that, with time and repeatedly generated anger in me, which I have accumulated and forgotten. Some even was physically expressed as actions. It was merely ‘felt’ and suppressed, either with other feelings (compensation) or with other thoughts (judgments) where I could secretly create a sense of self were I was feeling superior – or to the beings towards I was reacting or to the situation itself- as long as I was able to create a feeling to overcome or balance what I was feeling, all could be done in secret, in my heart and mind. Consciousness is so deceptive isn’t it? (LOL) As long as the Fears are undelt with and we are able to balance the ‘bad’ feelings with the ‘good’ feelings we are cool to go (we can pretend it is). Right..! The “pretty-end” it is – the ‘mind-set’ we can ‘cre(h)ate’) Meanwhile. The point that originated all those reaction keeps buried deep in the deep caves of the earth. This is… in the guts. Swallowing yet another moment (memory) where I ‘think’ I react right, when in fact I reacted according to feelings and emotions. So in this I keep on living a disgust (this-guts) ing life.

Does this makes any sense? Is this what I want? Is this dependency what can make me free to live?

What remains from all this. All that remains is that, currently, I am responsible about what I think and feel. I am 34 years old. Correction. My body is. And that time was enough to raise my awareness of who I am as life. Practically, there is no use in blaming parents for this, or else I will stand as inferior to the situations in a complete victimization mind-set influence. Although, what can I do to get rid of this, is something less defined. I can speak the forgiveness but still see the finding practical actions, a bit hard to implement. This happens also because of living without money to spent, and overall move and express whatever in this world. It requires money – Energy. A victimization point too, when realizing that I have to earn money myself and have not habit of doing it. Doing it rationally has been simply useless. Earning money is the same as any other initiative that I don’t know shit about it, and I must still do it trusting nothing other than me. This is something new, so is something that wasn’t yet created “nor seen” by me. Lol Again the mind trying to define. - So what was created until now was the deception, as reactions and the suffering of repeatedly going though it.

Expression different than that, is what about was not yet created or considered. Is the realizations and the decisions to change whatever ended up being created by the allowing the deception (of feelings and definitions). It is; To see what the mind-sets wanted to project in the surroundings, see what is practical from there, and see what can remain within changing what has to be done, to being done by one self. By own initiative. And stop all the satellite energies. Because as long as the energy is created and applied inside the mind, and not in the physical (reality) nothing changes. I must find myself what it means and, yes… since it is new unexplored territory, maybe I have to do things that “won’t work” as I would expect, or experiment.

Within that, the writing and dealing with all the reactions, forgiving them, is something that is not less important and effective thing to do. Forgiveness and self-honest are things, eheh (too), because they are something that if done can promote change. So if change takes place then they are not useless mind “clutter”.

As someone said; Forgiveness is the ultimate statement that I am willing to change. This is practical stuff. “Thing”(LOL)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to…. (For example) Become a slave to reactions against my parents. – I state that from now on, I wont allow myself to react to my parents actions , within the realization that it is purely energetic event that is generated by the thoughts that I have lived before when I was younger, and words and pictures in the mind that make me occupied ignoring dealing practically with what is HERE in the current moment.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to establish my self-worth (as a mind-set of invisible self-judgment) in relationship to the words my parents spoke about me all my life, and from that perceptions develop feelings and emotions whenever someone tells me what I must do. – I don’t allow myself to think that I am unworthy and limited or uncapable, only because i was always told that I was so.

From here I myself, created in my mind and, ‘extended’ that ‘mind-set’ to other things that have nothing to do with parents. For instance; meeting other people. A simple suggestion in a class while studying with colleagues. Emiting opinions in a conversation. Participating in a group of friends(people) without having preconceived ideias echoing about them in my head.

I also created a mind-set based on that self deception, where my picture – A picture of my body – was the main point about it.

I connected fear with my picture. I connected fear with the way I speak. I connected fear with the perception of others speaking about me. Oh yeah big point. I connected fear with others presence. If I perceive others then I feel anxiety.

This anxiety is more related to the wants/needs/desires emerged with the thrive to become “A PERSONAlity” yeah right… persona-lie-tie. Connecting lies (thoughts definitions judgments) with a sense of self. (because being a persona is still information is not something visible actual physical act that promotes life, specially as equality!!! Thus why being a person is merely to have a sense of self in relation to something (or others)… yes always dependent on something/someone external) LOL!
Having a great personality is so overrated. It is the ultimate affirmation that one is dependent on others!! Ahah Hilarious!!

Ok then… “Finally” this brings me back to self-worth. My current issues about self-worth is about what I have done and not done. It hurts (I guess) - or at least it makes confused - to see that doing things in this world, to me is apparently difficult, while others do it apparently more easily. Big self deception here echoing constantly in every look I take at my life currently. Defeat is also a word that is holding up cohesive a sense-of-self. This is somehow clear when I turn on the webcamera and look at the way I move my face and my eyes . Bah Shame regret guilt fills up my mind in every moment. This is a legacy. I am so full of this shit. This must end though. I am not valued by this, although this encompasses information about what I have not done, because I allowed myself to be busy with the feelings and reactions and thoughts. Specially of fears and justifications thereof. Bah this is really dis-gusting. Cannot allow it anymore. How do I change? Yes because it is me that must change or else nothing happens?

What can I do besides realizing and forgiving??? I feel really uncomfortable in saying that.

Spaking the forgiveness is also something that, to which I am developing some resistance. Because it is not actuall change the change must be lived in expression in actual physical actions. And even stopping and moving throught this resistance is one of those points. Argh! I always thought that the Taurus stubborn people had all the self will in the world. Right, this is enough to thing about me as not having that self-will. And even more simply, not being equal to those beings. The essence of separation . this kind of thoughts perceptions. Yeah they have the astrological sign programming. They doing naturally, no effort. They don’t have to make efforts to be stubborn or to have self-will. Interesting we will only be complete when we become all the sign as self. Taurus self-will and determination, Leo – experience of Love and Sexuality (emotional expression), Sagittarius - Simplicity and effectiveness, no bullshit and blank slate start-overs, Aries – Initiative and practicality, Gemini – Seeing the duality (both sides of the ‘coin’), Virgo – Organization and Focus, Scorpio – Politeness and Respect, Cancer – Art of parenthood, Aquarius – Altruism and Consideration, Pisces – Creativity and expressiveness (art), Capricorn – Creation of Structure in the physical (work), Libra – Moderation and balance.

Well. Enough knowledge display. This is what it feels to say all that about signs. So… All this not to further create definition and separation, by defining human beings as existing in separated like that where some have only some characteristics and others others. Which they had because that is the mind programs. But from now on.. To, within the change, force one to become all those ‘characteristics’ (characters) as one human being. All HERE as me as one and equal as life. Not to be special and greater than others, but to become complete once again after all the scattering (separated-characters) that one has allowed by judging (thinking of) others and self as being separated and defined. The has been happening for eons of time. The changes have no date scheduled to start. Can be done at any moment. And I don’t need religions too making me believe that the world is round and that there are invisible beings that are controlling it. Each one can see in his world how shit is happening and decide to change, not matter how hard it can be. When all decide to see others as equals, then the ideas that there must be a god, (a polarity of a slave being) there won’t exist generation of excessive energy, not the correspondent waste of it, because the ‘friction’ that the poles imply will be no more, since there will be no poles. Energy will exist equally available to all. As you can see this relates to energy like life support and physical energy as petroleum and love as energy to the mind. Though… “Too much love will kill ya!” As energy does when you blast a atomic bomb. Same thing. No difference. Heaven (mind) and Earth, has always been equal in all ways. Addiction and abuse, always creates death.

What is worth then? Energy (feelings) or Self (humans “physical” body)?

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Compressed in this discussion ....

The desire to be accepted as the only way to be valid.
The Fear to be perceived by society as feeling fear. EGO as GOD.
Beleif/perception that the Society is GOD and it says we need the fear of survival. We need to survive.

Based on the articles still to come.
Bowing to society. A Sense of treason against society, and the supressed Anger about it.
(S.R. "Nose" Point)